is love a decision or a feeling?

What does the word “love” evoke in your mind? Is it your love affair with cheesecake or warm chocolate pudding? Or an image of you and your sweetie having an afternoon picnic? When you were a child, you probably loved your teddy bear or your parents. As you grow older, your understanding of love should grow and evolve, just like your understanding of everything else. Too often, we have a shallow understanding of love, concluding as long as two people make each other happy, that’s love.

Love has lots of definitions. The most common are 1) a deep feeling of affection or attachment, 2) sexual affection or 3) a strong liking or predilection for something.

I would suggest that none of these definitions encompasses what mature love involves. In my interviews with long-time married couples, their view of love is not the fly-by-night romantic view. You might be surprised to learn the romance and affection is still there even for older couples, but there is something much more, something that happened along the way to make the love richer and more permanent.

What these mature couples have developed is a view that love is an action—a decision—not a feeling. The fact that they have been married a long time doesn’t mean they didn’t face serious obstacles. What it means is that they found a way through the obstacles. They didn’t always feel loving toward one another, but they decided to love anyway. One couple who faced tremendous difficulties including a marital affair early in their marriage, talked about how this decision to love one another changed their perspective. They found that if they led with loving actions, their feelings soon followed. In other words, after they started acting lovingly, they felt more in love. They transformed their entire marriage more than 30 years ago to an extraordinarily loving one that continues today.

Anyone who has children knows that children don’t always act in ways that deserve love, but good parents decide to love them anyway. You can’t say you love your children while you neglect them. Similarly, you can’t say you love your spouse if you neglect him or her and refuse to act in a loving manner when your spouse doesn’t “deserve” it. For example, if your spouse is having a bad day, do you contribute to it, or do you provide encouragement? If you’re having an argument, do you sometimes choose to give in, or do you dig in your heels?

The bottom line is that you have to decide whom to love and how to love. Use your behavior and choices to lead your feelings, rather than allowing your daily feelings to determine your behavior. That’s mature love.

To love is to choose.–Joseph Roux

retrieved from:

http://lifegems4marriage.com/2009/01/09/is-love-a-decision-or-a-feeling/

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1.02.28

we all married the wrong person

Couples in crisis often reach the point where they decide they are just two poorly matched people. This precedes the decision to leave the relationship and go in search of that “right person.” Unfortunately, the odds of a successful marriage go down for each attempt at a new marriage. Psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men and The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, Scott Haltzman, MD, says in truth, they are correct; we all married the wrong person. I found his comments from TV interviews so intriguing that I requested an interview with him to delve into the topic. Dr. Haltzman says even if we think we know a person well when we marry them, we are temporarily blinded by our love, which tends to minimize or ignore attributes that would make the relationship complicated or downright difficult. In addition, both individuals bring different expectations to the marriage, and we change individually and as a couple over time. No one gets a guarantee of marrying the right person, says Dr. Haltzman, so you should assume you married the wrong person. That doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be successful, however.
“Most of us spend a lot of time filtering through possible mates in hopes that we will end up with the right match. Some people believe it’s an issue of finding a soul mate … the one true partner. Whether or not you enter into marriage believing your partner is THE one, you certainly believe he or she is A right person for you,” says Dr. Haltzman.
He explains that if the success of a marriage were based on making the right choice, then those who carefully chose a good match would continue to sustain positive feelings the majority of the time, and over a long period. The theory would be proven correct that choosing well leads to success.  “But the divorce rate in and of itself stands as a great testament to the fallacy of that theory,” says Dr. Haltzman. Even the couples who remain married don’t describe themselves as completely happy with each other, he adds, but rather committed to one another.
“If we believe we must find the right person to marry, then the course of our marriage becomes a constant test to see if we were correct in that choice,” says Dr. Haltzman, adding that today’s culture does not support standing by our promises. Instead, he says we receive the repeated message, “You deserve the best.” These attitudes contribute to marital dissatisfaction, he says.
Dr.  Haltzman shared some research with me about the negative effects in our consumer society of having too many choices—which may lead to increased expectations and lower satisfaction. A book called The Choice Paradox by Barry Schwartz shares research that flies in the face of conventional wisdom. (I will have another post about this topic soon, because there is much insight to glean.) I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential “right” partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.
“My basic philosophy is we have to start with the premise when we choose our partner that we aren’t choosing with all the knowledge and information about them,” says Dr. Haltzman. “However, outside of the extreme scenarios of domestic violence, chronic substance abuse, or the inability to remain sexually faithful—which are good arguments for marrying the wrong person on a huge scale, and where it is unhealthy or unsafe to remain married—we need to say, ‘This is the person I chose, and I need to find a way to develop a sense of closeness with this person for who he or she really is and not how I fantasize them to be.’”
That choice to work on the relationship can lead to a more profound, meaningful experience together. Dr. Haltzman offers the following tips to help us reconnect or improve our bond:

• Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.
• Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.
• Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.
• Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.

To underscore the last couple of points, Dr. Haltzman says many people will put only so much effort into a relationship, then say, “I’ve done enough.” But very few of us will do that with our children. “Instead, we say despite their flaws, we wouldn’t want anyone else; yet, our kids can be much more of a pain in the ass than our spouses.”
Finally, he advises, “Have the attitude that this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, so you must find a way to make it work instead of always looking for the back door.”


retrieved from:
http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/09/10/we-all-married-the-wrong-person/

DB887C3D-1FFF-8808-E50B-DE4B6A8C3DDE

1.02.28

you and rain

it's the second day of november...

and rain, where are you???

i miss november rain

and i miss you

says you'll be home by november

i'm waiting,

waiting for the rain

waiting for you

need to feel your warm fragrance

while the cold rain's running through my skin

walk with you hand in hand

counting the rain till the drops end

bare feet

we step the path

and the naked rain

makes us wet

through the rain

we hold up tight

i miss you

i miss the rain

i'm wating for you

waiting for the rain

love

-dwizan-

secretly

which one?

A. to be secretly in love
B. to be loved secretly

 which one hurts you the most?

dua lelakiku

lagi asik online, tiba-tiba mang Sam masuk sambil bawa undangan. ternyata dari teman SMA. bulan syawal emang musimnya hajatan :). hampir tiap hari pasti ada undangan yang datang. weekend penuh dengan acara kondangan, sementara dompet makin kosong...ups...

emang sih, teman-teman se usia aku yang usianya twenty something pasti banyak yang nikah. sementara teman-teman kakak banyak juga yang nyebar undangan, bukan undangan pernikahan tapi sunatan alias khitanan anak-anaknya :)
sering juga sih yang kasih undangan sekaligus untuk dua acara, pernikahan dan khitanan. tapi bukan mempelai pria nya kan yang di khitan???? bisa gaswat nih kalo bener.... (SENSOR!!!!)

back to the title. kenapa judulnya dua lelakiku? aku bukan ingin membicarakan tentang dua lelaki dalam hal yang satu disunat yang satu dinikahi (ah... sensor lagi deh..)
tetapi tiap kali menghadiri acara akad nikah, aku jadi teringat pernikahan ku lebih setahun lalu. peristiwa sakral itu tidak akan ada dan jadi istimewa tanpa hadirnya dua lelaki yang aku cintai.

dua lelakiku, ayahku dan suamiku....

perlu berhari-hari agar aku bisa meyakinkan ayah untuk menjadi wali nikah ku. bukan karena aku bertengkar dengan ayah, atau karena ayah tidak setuju aku menikah. tapi lebih karena tradisi keluarga dimana sang ayah mempelai wanita menguasakan hak perwalian nikah kepada para ulama.
dulu waktu kakak menikah, ayah memberikan kuasa kepada Ust. ****** (beliau yang namanya tidak boleh disebut, karena aku lupa hahaha) yang dianggap sebagai sesepuh dan ulama dalam keluarga besar. begitupun ketika sepupu perempuanku menikah.

sekarang saat tiba giliran aku menikah, aku memaksa ayah untuk turun tangan menjadi wali nikah ku secara langsung tanpa perantara. awalnya ayah enggan, tapi setelah bujukan dan rayuan maut, plus sanjungan dan sedikit kegombalan, beliau bersedia.

dan terjadilah peristiwa lucu, seru, dan mengharukan yang melibatkan dua lelakiku. hampir seminggu ayah melatih secara intensif kalimat ijab yang harus dia ucapkan. begitu pula dengan suamiku yang waktu itu masih berstatus calon suami. beberapa kali aku memergoki mereka sedang serius berdiskusi tentang kalimat yang harus mereka ucapkan. mereka juga sempat berlatih beberapa gerakan dan isyarat yang akan mereka gunakan pada hari H.
aku dengar ayah berkata setengah mengancam: "pokoknya ga boleh salah atau diulang. cukup sekali!"

aku merasa begitu bangga melihat dua lelakiku berlatih, ah... dua lelaki yang sama-sama aku cintai dan mencintaiku :)

saat hari yang dinantikan tiba, aku merasa gugup. begitu banyak hal yang memenuhi pikiranku. aku mencuri lihat pada ayah. air mukanya tampak aneh. apakah ayah juga gugup? ini pertama kalinya beliau harus menikahkan putrinya secara langsung. peristiwa yang baru pertama kali terjadi dalam keluarga besar. sebuah pendobrakan tradisi.
ah.. ayah yang sudah terbiasa bernego dengan klien selama lebih 30 tahun. ayah yang terbiasa memerintah dengan tegas, ayah yang terbiasa bicara lantang dalam rapat, ayah yang biasa menjadi juara, terlihat begitu gugup.

lamunanku terhenti ketika bunyi rebana memecah kesunyian, tanda bahwa rombongan mempelai pria telah tiba. aku melihat lelakiku, yang aku cintai, yang bersedia ku berikan janji sehidup semati. dia tampak gagah dalam beskap putih.
tapi semakin dekat dengan acara ijab kabul, aku melihat air mukanya berubah. sama seperti ayah, dia tampak begitu gugup. ternyata seorang chief officer yang terbiasa main perintah bisa nerveous juga haha. aku masih suka tertawa jika melihat rekaman video pernikahan kami. wajah gugupnya pada detik-detik menjelang ijab qobul benar-benar terlihat. (sumpah babe, kamu gugup banget, keliatan jelas)
dengan begitu, aku makin teryakinkan bahwa suamiku belum berpengalaman dalam hal menikah

(hayyahh..emang mau ya sama yang udah pengalaman??? mmmm..... mau aja, selama dia jujur soal rekening bank dan terbuka soal dompetnya. jiaahhh matre gue....kelaut aje deh...byurrr!!!!)

alhamdulillah. acara akad nikah berjalan lancar. cukup sekali. diucapkan dengan tegas dan meyakinkan.
terima kasih untuk dua lelakiku. for once in my life i feel so deeply loved. i love yous so.......much.....

*jangan tertipu sama gambar yang aku pasang, aslinya mereka kompak banget. terutama dalam hal mencintaiku :)

0000
-dwizan-

LDR and still alive

i've read the following line
"long distance is killing me, slowly but sure"
maybe in some cases that's true. in some people that's the fact.
but for me.... NO. not most of the time.
i do long distance and i'm still alive.

does that means i don't love him that much?
or i'm just not that in to him?
or...
just because i can do long distance relationship (LDR)

well, to be honest,
i do have days when i feel this LDR is killing me
but not most of the time.
i do have days when i wish we could be so close in distance.
but not that often.

i feel strong without, and i feel stronger with
i feel happy without, and i feel happier with
i feel complete without, and i feel complete with
coz life is what it is

so, LDR and still alive???
YES, I CAN....


xxxooo
-dwizan-

Waterloo, I love U

watching the ultimate battle of waterloo.
wondering why should there be war. an ancient way, yet still be the "great" choice by anyone to reach the goal of nothing up until now.
there were, are, and will be so much sorrow, sadness, misery, left from the battle.
huge lost, massive destruction, unbearable pain, millions of nightmares.

Waterloo, battlefield of Napoleon and Wellington. Just like another battle.
i'm not in willing to discuss about the battle. it's too dark.
i'm just going to spread the dim light that Napoleon had. His love.
even the one who had great passion on war, had a room in his heart to feel the magic of love.



Napoleon Bonaparte to Josephine De Beauharnais 

I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil.
Sweet incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart!
Are you angry?
Do I see you looking sad? Are you worried? ...
My soul aches with sorrow, and there can be no rest for your lover; but is there still more in store for me when, yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire? Ah! it was last night that I fully realized how false an image of you your portrait gives!
You are leaving at noon; I shall see you in three hours.
Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire.

Bonaparte


(retrieved from: http://www.links2love.com/love_letters_14.htm)

fall again

i miss you now and then
truly i hate myself when my mind is overwhelmed by the thoughts of you
without knowing whether you are thinking of me or not

just like today
when i started my day missing you
i tried to get my mind rid off it
so i started to remember all the stupid things you did
the way we yelled at each other
the reasons you made me cry
the simple things that you did wrong
the hatred that i felt for you

coz you're not here
coz you're not around
coz i miss you like s***

then i give up
the harder i try the deeper i fall
you made me..

then i realize that
the more that i hate you the more that i love you
i hate myself for loving you this much and more
i hate myself coz i could fall for you over again

my conversation about love

this is my conversation about love with my student sometimes ago who was somehow lost in the name of love. she demanded me not to make it public, but i can't help myself of sharing it, since i think it would be usefull somehow. well.. i'm not a love expert. so please enjoy "our" conversation :)
note: this is not a real conversation but a series of text massages.

-----------------------------------------------------------
mam, could you share your love story with me?
-----------------------------------------------------------
mmm.... what to begin with??
well, let me text u my story

my first love was my childhood friend ( though at that time, i couldn't define what love is)
as time went by so did my love

the second time i felt the love was in junior high
as time passed by... i said him goodbye

what i remember the most was when i felt the love for someone in college..
i didn't realized that i love that someone until i felt a broken heart of mine when he told me that he was engaged

all the love i felt, were all just feeling
means that i never had any commitment or relationship or anything sort of..

i just felt them in me, and never let the object of my affection knew about.

so many times i'd been a secret admirer for someones, in many different ways, times and places.
some i remember, some i don't
some last long enough, some just passing by..

so, when i said " I do" to my husband, i told him that i'll try to love him as long as i can...
coz i know that there'll be times when my heart still beating but it stop loving him...

coz i belive that there's no forever or always...
coz time change and the poeple as well..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear madam

well,such a nice story.
may i ask u?(i hope u dont mind,)

when u'r in college how'd u mend ur broken arrow?it's always hard mendin broken rite?

then how'd u make sure that mr.right is him.?how'd u unsure urself that the feelin inside is true?he is the one..

which 1 is better affection or love?what if we'r just so damn scare to feel it.

answer me madam.
im waiting.

gracias!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

well
sometimes you break your heart, unbreak it, then break it again
it's the nature
how can you feel love, if you never feel a broken heart
coz they're intertwined :)

i did have days full of tears and misery
but somehow i managed myself to recover
i still have my faith

the reason why i never hurt myself so much
is because i never let my heart too much in love

and about my husband
i never knew that he is the right one
until i heard my mom said "barakallah..."
on my wedding day...

and even until know
in every moment i still try to convince myself that i marry mr.right
coz i believe my love for him, his love for me, our marriage
are not result, but a life time process
so we need to keep trying staying in love for the rest of our life
when we stop trying, then everything will stop as well

it's ok if you're scared
but love will come to you in anyway
and you can't deny, or run, or hide
and when your time has come
just enjoy the moment
you must live your life

as for love or affection
i can't see any differences between them
can you??

-xoxo-
--------------------------------------------------------------------

well mom. please define me bout barakallah means!grateful or something?

how'd u empower ur self from being drowned in the pool of love. everything seems so uncontrol there.u cant even control urself.seem so borderless when we r in terribly in love

mom,how'd u ease the pain when becme a secret lover of smebody?do everyone on the earth deserve mr or ms rite for his or her live? how'd u recognize that?
it's like story begins with clueless endingdoes everyone look so right in the eyes of mr or ms.right?

we r just like a cast of noname show.huff..
----------------------------------------------------------------------

well, when we start a discussion with the topic is love
then it will end as an endless discussion :)

baarakallahu laka (semoga Allah mengaruniakan barakah kepadamu)
wa baarakaallahu 'alaika (semoga Allah mengaruniakan barakah atasmu)
wa jama'a bainakumaa fii kahiir (semoga Allah menghimpun kalian berdua dalam kebaikan)
it's a pray for the newlyweds.

if you have read the story of Ali and Fatimah, you'll amazed on how Ali loved Fatimah so secretly yet sacred and pure. that's why i loved being a secret lover until i get married and declare my love only for my husband. which is "halal" for me.

do you love to watch dorama, korean drama, hollywood romantic movie, or even bollywood movie?
well, if you do, then it won't surprise me that you have certain point of view about love and being in love framed by the idea of love based on those work of arts :)

when i was your age, i might have the same point of view toward love. and i've also involved in what so called "lost in love". but as you get older, you get wiser.

earlier today, i read a review of book entitled "women who love too
much" by Robin Norwood.
it said that too much love is a self destructive behavior.so don't be :)

instead of answering all your question, i'd rather suggest you to read "agar bidadari cemburu padamu" by Salim A. Fillah.
and i also recommend you to be more familiar with mizan's writer point of veiw about love and marriage life.
hope you don't mind. coz i just want you to get the answer from the right source. since i need to learn a lot more myself.

just remember, you must love yourself before you love someone else.
make yourself right, then you'll find the right match.
make yourself good, then you'll find a good match.
make yourself better, then you'll find a better match.
make yourself best, then you'll find the best match.

"lelaki yang baik adalah untuk perempuan yang baik..."

the right person will come at the right place and time.
just do your part and let God takes the rest.

good luck. LOL

wedding clip

it's just too much

have you ever been in love?
so much deeply in love
desperately in love

that was the moment when....

you can't pass a single day without him/her besides you
you can't identify yourself without putting his/her name on it

you lost yourself in his/her charm
you lost your way when you're not holding his/her hand
you lost your mind when you stop thinking about him/her

you care so much about him/her
you care so much about being with him/her
you care so much about making him/her happy
you care so much about showing him/her how deep your love is

in his/her eyes
you see your faith
you see your future
you see the real you
you see your heaven's being created
you see your dreams come true all at once

yes i have

once i was desperately in love

then i realized that it was just too much

too much love
too much to care
too much to bear
too much to share

then...

i'm too afraid of falling
i'm too afraid of failing
i'm too afraid of hating
i'm too afraid of loosing
i'm too afraid of cracking
i'm too afraid of everything or nothing

so, i let it go

they say, i should just let it flow
but i let it go

once and for all
i've ever been in love
that much
and it was just too much

i only need this much

is it given?

love
L.O.V.E

is it given?


if it is given
shouldn't it be a free choice for every living being
shouldn't it be the true human rights


if it is given
should be there any rules to control it
should be there any boundaries to limit it

if it is given
should we say it is right or wrong
should we judge it is good or bad

if it is given
then
it is given
we receive it
just the way it is
with open hand
open mind

if it is given
then
it is given
we accept it
just the way it is

all we need is
to see it
to feel it
to use it
as LOVE
only LOVE

seandainya?

tentang seseorang yang dimatanya ku titipkan asa.
yang disenyumnya ku titipkan rindu.
yang kepadanya aku pernah jatuh cinta.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

seandainya...
ah.
andai saja

cinta itu bisa diungkapkan dan bukan sekedar dirasakan
mungkin aku akan lebih bahagia
meski aku sudah bahagia dengan hanya merasa nya
to love secretly
and to be secretly in love

seandainya..
ya.
andai saja

aku bisa bersamanya
lebih dekat merasakan debar jantung nya dan ku
menggamit lengannya dan melangkahi waktu
berbagi kisah tentang rasanya dan rasaku
menjalin mimpi nya dan ku menjadi mimpi kita mimpi kami

seandainya
dan
andai saja

aku bisa berkata
aku miliknya dan dia milikku
kami saling memiliki
jangan ganggu cukuplah memberi restu

seandainya
dia tersenyum karena ku
dia bahagia karena ku
rindu yang dia rasa hanya untuk ku
cinta yang dia punya hanya untuk ku

andai saja
aku membuatnya tahu tentang ku
tentang cinta ku
tentang yang ku inginkan
yang ku impikan
yang ku harapkan

mungkin aku tak perlu merasakan semuanya sendiri
sembunyi sembunyi

yang tak sempat terkatakan

kepadanya yang membuatku bahagia
aku ingin berkata
bahwa aku cinta
aku suka
aku bahagia

kepadanya yang membuatku kecewa
aku ingin berkata
bahwa aku terluka
aku marah
aku kecewa

kepadanya yang membuatku merasa
aku ingin berkata
aku sayang
aku benci
aku senang
aku sedih
aku riang
aku perih
aku merasa semua rasa yang bisa kurasakan

kepadanya aku ingin berkata
semua yang tak sempat terkatakan
tentang rasa ku, tentang asa ku, tentang masa ku
tentang ku dan nya
tentang semua yang tak sempat terkatakan

between you and him

here i am
lying between you and him
it is you that i love
it is he that pouring all the love for me
it is you that i miss
it is he that fulfilling all my story
it is you that i adore
it is he that makes me a princess
it is you that i want
it is he that holding me tight in his arm
it is you that i dream of
it is he that occupies my reality
so
here i am
lying between you and him
i always wanted to be yours
but it is he that i belong to

there is love

Love is when your lust is fed.
When your dreams come true outside your head.
When the sun above you smiles and nods.
And you've found real peace against the odds.
Love is when your heart is tumbling,
when you feel the earth beneath you rumbling,
when you pray and light shines down upon you,
and you sparkle with hope to all around you.
Love is when you found a place,
where you filled with joy an empty space.
when your words are true and you speak with pride,
And you leave spies mouths open wide.
Love is what you breath and eat,
when you feel it tingle down to your feet.
When you look in ones eyes and you see your fate,
and know from now that life will be great.
Love is when the angels smile,
when you dream of mermaids in the Nile.
When anything you doubted is suddenly clear,
and peace of mind replaces your fear.
Love is what we dream upon,
when we're stuck and don't know how to move on.
When its your very hands that shake,
and you know the next move you should make.
Love is here in front of your eyes,
just look,you'll see I speak no lies.
Love's all around you ,inside and out,
cuz if God is there then love is about!


by: repenter86

i'm sorry

i said i'm sorry

for not loving you as much as you do
for not loving you as lovingly as you do
for not loving you as sincerely as you do
for not loving you as deeply as you do
for not loving you as long as you do

i said i'm sorry
for loving you just this much
for loving you just the way i do

i said i'm sorry
so often i feel complete without you
so often i feel free without you
so often i feel happy without you
so often i feel comfort without you

i said i'm sorry
so often i feel i don't need you
so often i feel i don't feel you

i said i'm sorry
would you please forgive me??????

Remember Me

In a far distance away
We're holding and longing to each other
Counting the nights without
Wondering of how many days should we wait for each other hands
To reach
To hold
To be
Together

In the darkest night you've sailed
Through the hardest day I live
You and I
We
Just Remember.....

I love you
I don't remember how to forget you